Naruto: the Real Story
by kankuro-sama
Summary: A crack fic. Can team 7 survive the added twists, OOCness and pointless stuff that comes their way? Pairings not decided yet, will be onesided mostly.
1. Genin exam

  
Chapter One- Genin exam

"Okay, we'll now start the academy graduation test," Iruka stated, peeing himself with anticipation.

"How troublesome…"

"What about food?!"

"Sasuke-kuuuuun!"

"I like bugs."

"HOW YOUTHFUL!!"

"Lee! You're not even in our class!"

"SHUT UP!" Iruka silenced the interruptions. He was starting to feel unsure about the quality of new genin these days. "Anyway, you'll each perform bunshin no jutsu, Mizuki and I will judge you…Mizuki?" He looked around for the white haired man. He was suddenly struck down by an oversized shuriken.

"Oi! Naruto! Hand over the scroll.'' Mizuki asked politely.

"Eh? What scroll?'' Naruto asked.

"The oversized scroll on your back, dobe." Sasuke said.

"Hey, I didn't notice it,'' Naruto said stupidly, untying the scroll of sealing from his back. The wall suddenly exploded and in came two figures in black and red cloaks. One was a blue fish-man-thing and the other had a dull-looking face and red sharingan eyes.

"Naruto, come with us," the one known as Uchiha Itachi said.

'_Hey, why is Naruto more popular than me suddenly?' _Sasuke pondered, staring at the two invaders. _'Hey wait a minute… that's Itachi!' _Sasuke leaped to his feet, and sped towards Itachi. "RAAAARRGH! I became an emo and turned down 100's of girls for this day Itachi!" Itachi stopped Sasuke between two fingers, then dragged him off to a random corner to give him the 'why are you so weak' speech.

"You handle the jinchuuriki, Kisame" Itachi yelled over his kicking and screaming younger brother.

Said fish-man charged at Naruto with his oversized sword, shredding up random academy students in his way.

"You forgot about me!'' Mizuki pouted like a little girl. "Naruto, give me the scroll or I'll kill you!"

"Just try it…" Naruto formed a hand seal. "Kage bunshin no jutsu!" 50 Narutos appeared in the bloodied up classroom (thanks to Kisame, who was still shredding up academy students).

'How the hell do you know that jutsu?" Mizuki screeched.

"I learned it from the scroll, duh!" Naruto replied.

"But you said you didn't even notice the scroll!!" Mizuki retorted.

"Eh? What scroll" Naruto asked, getting confused again. Mizuki screamed to the heavens and died from exasperation.

"Oh my god! Naruto beat Mizuki-sensei! We'd better get outta here Kisame!" screamed the normally stoic Uchiha. Itachi and Kisame ran away, each with equally pissed pants.

"Mizuki is Itachi's sensei?! How's that possible, he's a freakin' pussy!" yelled Sasuke who had just woken up from the tsukiyomi, and now had Sakura and Ino frantically humping his wounds better. The Naruto clones poofed away.

Iruka's dead body also poofed away, revealing a log. The real Iruka crawled out of a bug hole in Shino's face. "Heh heh, nice hiding spot'' he said. "Anyway, since there are only nine of you left, you all pass!'' he announced after scanning the bloody remains of all the other students.

"Yatta!" Sakura screamed, glomping… Chouji?

"Yeah bitch!" Hinata growled before slapping Naruto on the ass.

"As for teams… the first team will be called team 8-" Iruka started

"Why 8?!"

"Quiet… the team will be Inuzuka Kiba, Hyuuga Hinata and bug-boy."

"I wanna be on Naruto-kun's team!" Hinata wailed and sobbed.

"Iruka-sensei! Akamaru says he smells Anko on you!"

"My bugs don't like them," Shino said monotonously.

" I don't care… team 10 will be pineapple head, the fat guy, and that bandaged up slut next to – errrr… on top of Sasuke"

"We have names!" the slut known as Ino screamed.

"Angrff bfi'm nhhhtf Fslaggt!" Chouji tried to say but his mouth was stuffed with the guts of the dead students he was eating.

"Ewww…" Naruto groaned as a large intestine slipped from Chouji's mouth.

"And finally, team 7 will be the three main characters." Iruka finished, referring to Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto (who was currently avoiding jounin-level taijutsu 'attacks' from Hinata's tongue). "Now as genin, your hardships have only just begun, you will face many adversaries, some of which- arrgghh!" he fell on the ground, Mizuki's shuriken now impaling his head.

"Boring speech…" the thrower of the shuriken, Shikamaru said before getting back to sleep.

**Later…**

Teams 8 and 10 had already left with their jounin senseis, leaving team 7 waiting for several hours. Suddenly, a masked jounin poofed into the classroom.

"YOU'RE LATE!!" Sasuke screamed. He then blushed realizing he just acted totally OOC. "I mean… hn," he corrected.

"Sorry, I was busy fighting two S-ranked missing nins from Akatsuki who were apparently running away from the academy-"

"Liar!" Iruka yelled before collapsing from his head wound.

"Okay. Meet me at the training grounds tomorrow at dawn. We'll be having a little test. See ya there darlings" Kakashi cooed before blowing them a kiss and poofing away.

"What do we do now?" Naruto groaned. "huh?" Two ropes shot towards them from behind. One of them tied up Sasuke, the other got Naruto. Out of the shadows came… Hinata.

"Thanks Hinata, here's my end of the deal," Sakura said, handing Hinata a bundle of cash. She then shot Sasuke a mischievous smirk, before swishing towards him. Sasuke gulped.

"No sweat Sakura, I still get my prize," Hinata said, eyeing Naruto. Naruto gulped and sweated heavily as Hinata jumped on him and practiced her new 'techniques'. Sakura followed, jumping on Sasuke. Right now Hinata was using anything but gentle fist…

'_Man… I just wanted to celebrate graduation with ramen!' _Naruto cried in his head.Iruka was right; as a genin he would be facing some major hardships, from enemies and lovers alike…


	2. Opposite day and the bell test

It was a typical morning in Sunagakure, especially so for the boy named Gaara. He followed his usual routine of watching people run away from him, and loving only himself (not physically!). Yesterday had been his genin exam, which he considered pointless since he could kill jounin without a scratch, but rules were rules. The examiner (who had clearly pissed himself) asked (i.e. begged) him to make a bunshin. Gaara, being Gaara, instead opted to crush the examiner in a ball of sand, thus earning him a Suna headband.

Having graduated and came of age, Gaara was now skipping proudly down the streets of Suna, singing a song that went something like; "I love meeeeeeee!!'' On his way he met his older sister Temari. Grinning madly, he ran up and hugged her, yelling; "Neechan! I love… me!!" he sped off, leaving Temari staring off in his direction.

"He really needs a girlfriend…" Temari sighed.

Later he met up with his brother Kankuro, who was fixing up his puppet. "Hey Gaara!" Kankuro called out. "What are you doing? We're not supposed to get any screen time till the chuunin exams,"

"Oh okay… in that case I'll be off verifying my existence… bye-bye!" Gaara waved before skipping off, singing songs about loving himself.

Kankuro then realized that in his confusion, he had cut himself with Karasu's poisoned knife. " Oh crap…" he muttered before passing out. That night he dreamed of his army of puppets taking over the world…

Chapter 2- Opposite day and the bell test. 

Today was the world famous opposite day in Konoha. Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura arrived at the bridge twenty minutes after dawn, noticing that Kakashi was already there!

"You're EARLY!!" they yelled angrily.

"Sorry, I have no excuse for my bad work attitude-" Kakashi said, looking down in shame.

"TRUTH TELLER!!" the genin shouted accusingly.

"Anyway, happy opposite day… we'll start with introductions… or maybe we'll end with introductions… coz it's OPPOSITE DAY!! BWAHAAHAHAA!" Kakashi laughed at his idea of a joke… and Sasuke joined in, tears of laughter in his eyes.

"Grow up you two!" scolded the ever-serious Naruto.

"Hmph!" Sasuke and Kakashi folded their arms, pouting.

"Fine, why don't you start the introductions?" Kakashi requested, pulling out his K-rated family friendly novel.

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto. I like vegetables and waiting patiently while they cook. I dislike ramen- blek! My hobbies are studying. My dream for the future is to stay weaker than Sasuke then marry him."

"I'm Haruno Sakura. I 'love' Naruto. I just 'hate' touching Sasuke; he's so gross!. My hobbies are watching girls and my dream for the future is to stay a virgin till I'm sixty!" (Yeah right).

"Uchiha Sasuke. I dislike power. I like girls-"

"But it's opposite day!" Sakura interjected.

"I know" Sasuke smirked. "My hobbies are dating and socializing, and my dream for the future is too make peace with a certain man.''

"You mean the guy that totally whooped your ass yesterday?" Naruto asked 

"Yeah, him." Sasuke replied warmly, not taking any offence.

"As for me, my name's Hatake Kakashi. I'll tell you everything about me coz I'm an open kind of person. So I like…

**3 hours later**

"… And that's all you need to know about me!" Kakashi beamed. A large bell rang from the hokage tower. "Well, it's the end of opposite day, so let's start the test." He took two bells from his pocket. "See these bells, you have to get them." He pulled open the waist of his pants (and underwear) and dropped the bells in. He then wiggled his pelvis, making a ringing sound. "Think you can do that?" he asked.

His team didn't respond.

They had all fainted onto a puddle of their own vomit.

A shower and several therapy sessions later 

"Okay… we're already ten hours behind schedule, so let's get started… GO!!" Kakashi leapt up and down in excitement. "GO!GO!GO!" but to his surprise, his team were sitting in a row with blank faces. "Eh… what's up?" Suddenly Naruto leapt up.

"Sexy no jutsu!" Naruto yelled, poofing into a gorgeous naked woman. Kakashi was immediately turned on. "Oh sensei" s/he cooed seductively. "If you want some of this you have to take your pants off!"

" Oh! I see what you're trying and it won't work!'' Kakashi smirked. He'd keep the bells safe no matter what.

"Fine… I'll just have to find Gai-sensei…" Naruto moaned.

"NO!'' Kakashi screamed. _'so sexy, must have some-NO! must protect bells and scrotum- but she's so tempting'_ His thoughts were interrupted by a pain between his legs that sent him flying into the air. He looked down to see Sasuke jumping up after him to follow up his kick. Sasuke hung in mid-air parallel under Kakashi.

"Shishi Crotch Rendan!!'' he cried, delivering a series of punches and kicks to Kakashi's crotch.

"Uggghhh…" Kakashi groaned feeling the worst pain in his life, even worse than the time he got drunk at the pub, went up to his teammate Rin's apartment and- he tried to forget the rest. Sasuke was now upside-down holding Kakashi's ankles, sending him plummeting down feet first. He quickly released him, causing Kakashi to slam into the tip of the black memorial stone… one foot on each side.

"NOOOOO!!" Kakashi cried in immense pain as the bells tore through his pants and landed at his teams' feet. _'Note to self, attach bells to vest next time.' _He promptly passed out in pain.

"YATTA!'' Sakura screamed, jumping on Sasuke and making out with him.

"Hey I helped too Sakura-chaaaan!" Naruto whined.

"Save me Uncle Obito!" Sasuke cried from under Sakura. Unbeknownst to him, a thick-browed boy in green spandex had seen the whole test.

'_Uchiha Sasuke, you stole my technique, I will have my revenge' _Lee thought before disappearing into the shadows, off to reveal the blooming lotus of his findings to Gai-sensei.

**The next day**

Kakashi looked over his team, who were eager to get their test results. "Anyway, good work Naruto and Sasuke, I'll be wearing this crotch cast for weeks. Sakura; although you did absolutely nothing, you exceeded my expectations." Sakura blushed and giggled with pride. "You all pass!"

"Hell yeah!" Sakura screamed, hugging Sasuke

"BOOYAH!" Naruto hugged a log since he didn't have anyone else to hug. "Let's celebrate with ramen!" he ran off towards the ramen stand.

"Okay!" Sakura squealed running after Naruto

"Hn," Sasuke followed.

"Hey wait for me!" Kakashi limped after them, hand holding genitals all the way.


	3. C ranked mission

On a mountain range bordering Fire Country, two cloaked men wearing straw hats stopped for lunch.

"The leader will be really pissed if we return without Naruto," Kisame said, chugging down his fish food.

"I know," Itachi replied, taking out his sushi. "I have a plan."

"Good," Kisame said. A sick expression crossed over his face. "STOP EATING MY BROTHERS!!" Kisame yelled as he grabbed Itachi's sushi and chucked it down the mountain.

"You'll pay for that…" Itachi grumbled, activating his mangekyo sharingan.

**Chapter three- C-ranked mission**

Team 7 carried their battered and bruised bodies into the Hokage's office, completely exhausted from their last mission. The third Hokage; Sarutobi looked down at them.

"Ah, team 7, finished your fourth A-rank mission today. This time I have an S-ranked where you have to assassinate an army of-"

"NO!" Naruto cried. "These missions are too hard! I'm a ninja dammit!" he folded his arms and legs in a pout. "Can't we do something simple? Like babysitting?"

"Look, I'll explain the system to you," Sarutobi started. "Missions are classified into A to D ranked missions; A being the hardest and D being the easiest. As new genin, you handle the A ranked missions. As you get stronger, and advance to chuunin and jounin, you handle the easier missions. ANBU handle the easiest missions, the D-rank."

"That doesn't make any fucking sense!" Naruto cried.

"I agree" Sasuke added. "There's no way I can beat Itachi if I keep taking difficult missions like these. Litter patrol will give me the real training I need."

"Sasuke-kun you're so smart!" Sakura squealed.

Sarutobi sighed. "Fine, if you're so against my logical system, I'll give you a C-ranked mission; protecting an old drunkard in Wave Country,"

"All right!" Naruto and Sasuke yelled, high 5-ing eachother.

"Come in, Tazuna-san!" Sarutobi called out.

In came a drunken old man, clinging to sake bottle. He staggered up to the group, before collapsing into Sasuke's arms.

"Okay… you can carry him, Sasuke!" Kakashi ordered.

"This. Sucks." Sasuke grumbled, grimacing as Tazuna drooled on him. Team 7 then departed from the office.

A few minutes later an Anbu team poofed into the room.

"Hokage-sama! Emergency! Orochimaru's attacking the village, and the river is full of chippy packets!"

"Okay, you guys assemble the Anbu and clean up the river! I'll send the academy students to attack Orochimaru!" Sarutobi commanded.

"HAI! HOKAGE-SAMA!" the Anbu disappeared.

"Sarutobi, you are one damn good hokage," Sarutobi said to himself.

**Meanwhile, with team 7**

"Are we there yet?" Sakura asked for the hundredth time.

"No," Kakashi muttered.

"URGH!!" Sasuke cried as Tazuna vomited on him.

"Whoa, nice one old man!" Naruto praised.

"Don't encourage him!" Sasuke scolded.

Meanwhile, Sakura watched in envy. _'NO WAY! It's my dream to get drunk and vomit on Sasuke-kun!'_ Inner Sakura screamed.

The group walked past a puddle. "Hmmm… a water puddle on a dry day, that's pretty suspicious," Naruto observed.

"Stop thinking so hard!" Kakashi scolded. Naruto was such a nerd sometimes. The puddle then morphed into the shape of two masked ninja. "Holy crap!" Kakashi screamed as he ran and hid, fearing another groin injury.

"I'll handle this!" Naruto said as he pulled out a rapier. "Have at thee, coward!" Naruto and the demon brothers engaged in a sword fight. After a few minutes, the demon brothers gained the upper hand as it was two against one.

"Sasuke help him!" Kakashi screeched from the bush.

"I have an idea!" Sasuke formed hand seals, and then punched Tazuna in the stomach, causing him to vomit into the air. "Katon; Gokakyou no jutsu!" he spewed a fireball through the vomit, tripling its size. Naruto was coincidentally kicked out of the way by the enemies.

"ARRRGGHHHH!!" they yelled as they got caught in the fireball and hurtled into a random oil-tanker causing an explosion and sending a fireball the size of Konoha rolling to the east.

"Uh oh…" Sasuke groaned.

The next year, the hidden village of grass was taken off the map.

Kakashi hopped out of his hiding place. "Good work boys. And Sakura, try to get off your ass and do something next time!"

Sakura giggled. "You flatter me!"

**In Wave Country**

"And then I was like; nah bitch I don't…" Sasuke tried to drown out Tazuna's pub stories, which seemed to have absolutely no point to them. He was interrupted by a huge sword that flew right over them then embedded itself into a tree. A large man appeared on it.

"I am Momochi Zabuza, hand over the old man and I'll-"

"Gladly!" Sasuke said as he chucked the drunken old man to Zabuza.

"NO! That's our client… our MONEY!!" Kakashi cried as he jumped and caught Tazuna. Zabuza punched Kakashi on the back of the head, sending him flying into the river.

"Hah! I've got the old man!" Zabuza said from on top of a tree, holding Tazuna.

"AACK!!" Tazuna vomited on Zabuza's bare chest. Zabuza screamed and fell of the tree, hitting the ground head first. He slowly got up and used a simple water (and soap) jutsu to clean himself up.

"Now which one should I kill first…" Zabuza wondered out loud as he pointed his oversized sword at each of his enemies. "You." He decided on Kakashi, who had just gotten out of the lake. Zabuza leapt towards him.

"I'd better take this seriously," Kakashi muttered. Reaching up, he pushed up his forehead protector, revealing a sharingan eye. Zabuza's charge was stopped as he felt a strong punch hit his face and send him flying ten feet back. Luckily his face was already bandaged so it soaked up his blood.

He looked up.

Standing in front of him was none other than Tazuna in a fighting stance.

"Arright yoo fweak. Come ghet shum!" he said in a drunken voice. Obeying, Zabuza ran up and slashed and slashed at Tazuna, but he kept swaying and staggering around Zabuza's sword. "HIYA!" Tazuna smacked the side of Zabuza's head which left him dazed. "Now for ma ultimate technique!" Tazuna smashed a sake bottle over Zabuza's head, sending bloody glass fragments everywhere. Zabuza groaned and hit the ground with a thump.

"How'd you do that?" Kakashi asked in astonishment.

"Drunken fishtt man, drunken fisht!" Tazuna replied before passing out.

"That was weird," Sakura said.

"Well now were safe, so let's just assume no one's coming to help Zabuza and let's go," Kakashi commanded, unaware of the masked shemale hiding in the bushes.

**At Tazuna's house**

Tsunami sighed. "I have got to do something about dad's alcoholism," she and the genin watched over the drunken old man on the mattress. A little boy in green overalls and a stupid hat walked in.

"Why are these guys fighting? There's no such thing as a hero, all ends in misery," he said gloomily, as a roof shingle fell and crashed on his head.

'_He has potential' _Sasuke thought.

'_Wow, he's already emo, he might become hotter than Sasuke-kun!' _Inner Sakura squealed.

"Hey kid we're pretty strong!" Naruto said, starting to feel annoyed.

"How would you know, you people who've never known real pain!" Inari bitched.

The room grew cold. Suddenly, red chakra exploded around Naruto. His whiskers darkened, his fangs grew long and his nails turned into claws. Leaping onto all fours, he tackled Inari to the floor. "USELESS LITTLE SHIT! ALL YOU CAN DO IS KEEP CRYING!" he growled as he clawed at Inari's face.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Inari desperately cried as Naruto punched him over and over. Blood was now splattering all over the walls, as Inari futilely tried to escape Naruto's claws.

"NOW GET LOST!" Naruto growled before hurling Inari's limp body through a glass window. Moans of pain could be heard from outside.

"I know my son's a dick, but wasn't that a bit much?" Tsunami asked.

"Nah, he deserved it," replied Naruto who had returned to normal.

**Night time, outside the house**

Inari was sitting on the edge of the dock. His head and face were bandaged over; he now wore false teeth behind his fat lips, and his neck and right arm were in a cast. Basically, he looked like shit. If his eardrums weren't bruised up, he would have heard Kakashi approach him.

"Hey," Kakashi said, sitting next to Inari. "You know, Naruto didn't beat the shit out of you through ill-will,"

"Really?" Inari replied. "Wasit because he had no family and wanted to prepare me for the real world?"

Kakashi chuckled. "Nah, he just wanted to let off some steam," Kakashi answered. He laughed and slapped Inari on the back (a little too hard), knocking him off the dock and plunging into the dark water.

"Whoops…" Kakashi muttered, leaving quickly before anyone noticed.

**Meanwhile in a funny looking hideout**

"I can't believe you screwed up!" Gatoh yelled at Zabuza, then shifting his attention to Haku, who had just entered. "Hey there baby…" he flirted. "How about you and I-"

"I'm a boy," Haku said. Gatoh fainted. "Well, Zabuza-san, we still need to work out how to get the old man." Haku stated. A shadowy figure with dark red eyes and a dull face entered.

"Perhaps I can be of assistance…" Itachi offered. "…baby,"

"I'm a boy, and I accept your offer."

Itachi fainted, muttering 'she's a boy…'

_**A/N: Plz review**_


	4. Rematch at the bridge!

Inari woke up.

He was lying on the docks outside his house.

Ah yes, he remembered what happened last night. Naruto had beaten and clawed the crap out of him. After that, Kakashi accidentally knocked him into the water. After ten minutes of half drowning, he'd managed to haul himself onto the deck, so exhausted that he'd fallen asleep.

Inari dragged his battered, bruised and half-bandaged body back towards the house. As he reached the front door, it flung open, smacking him on the face.

Tsunami walked out. Looking down, she stared at the child before her. He was bruised, cut, half bandaged and pale from half drowning. He looked half-dead.

"ZOMBIE!!" She shrieked. She ran inside and got a broom, then came back out and beat more crap out of Inari with it.

"Mom! Stop! It's me!" Inari winced as he heard his own bones cracking.

"Did somebody say zombie?!" Kakashi asked as he leapt through the door and laid his eyes on Inari. "SASUKE! ZOMBIE!!"

"They're weak against fire right?" Sasuke asked, Kakashi nodded. Sasuke made hand seals. "Katon; Goukakyuu no jutsu!"

"EEEEEEK!" Inari squealed as he was blasted off in a fireball… then splashed back into the ocean. "gluglugglug…"

"Well we won't be having any more zombie troubles," Kakashi and Sasuke high 5-ed.

"Say, has anyone seen Inari around?" Tsunami asked. "I'm kinda worried about him…"

**Chapter 4- Rematch at the bridge!**

It was a good day to build a bridge. Tazuna (who was miraculously sober today!) was ordering his workers around, Kakashi was reading Come Come Paradise, Sakura was pestering Sasuke for a date and Naruto was playing strip poker with his shadow clones.

**Meanwhile under the bridge**

Zabuza, Haku and Kisame were clinging to the bridge with chakra. Haku was braiding his hair while Zabuza and Kisame compared oversized swords.

"We're attacking in five," Haku reminded them.

**Back to our heroes**

Naruto was getting bored. With a sigh, he lit a cigarette he and Konohamaru stole from Asuma. "Ahh... that's the stuff," he sighed, puffing out smoke. "Hey, is that Inari floating in the water down there?" He spat the cigarette over the edge. "Nah, probably not," he didn't hear Inari's cry as the lit cigarette landed in his eye.

A thick mist gathered over the bridge. Soon it was hard to see.

"Aaargh!"

"Ugh!" screams were heard as builder by builder was being cut down.

"I got three!" Came Zabuza's voice.

"Five!" Came Kisame's.

'_It's them' _Kakashi thought, uncovering his sharingan. Five Zabuzas, swords in hands, suddenly surrounded him.

"I'll save you Kakashi!" Sasuke threw a fuuma shuriken at the Zabuzas. It was intercepted by a wave of senbon. Haku appeared before him.

"Only Zabuza-san can use oversized weapons," Haku bitched.

Naruto raced over to Sasuke, only to be stopped by Kisame. "You're mine bitch!" the fish-man said.

"Demonic ice mirrors!" came Haku's voice. A dome of ice mirrors engulfed Sasuke, Naruto and Kisame. "Eat senbon!!" Hundreds of said weapons flew through the air, penetrating the three victims.

"You're getting me too you fucking pretty-boy!" Kisame yelled, pulling senbon out from between his scales.

"Ahhhh…" groaned Naruto and Sasuke.

"I don't want to kill you," Haku started, "But I will for Zabuza-san coz I'm his bitch,"

"Okaaaay…"

"Now seems like a good time for a flashback-" Haku started

"I hate flashbacks!" Sasuke whined.

"You can't talk, you have a freakin' three episode flashback!" Kisame retorted. "But look at meeee! I'm just the fish-boy from Akatsuki that doesn't need no flashback!"

"Shut up and listen!" Haku yelled. "You see, I was born in a snowy village. People with a bloodline limit were…"

**twenty minutes later**

"And so I became Zabuza's bitch, and then… hey are you listening!"

Sasuke was twiddling his thumbs and Kisame and Naruto were playing cards.

"Got any fives, Jinchuuriki?" Kisame asked

"Goldfish," Naruto replied.

"LISTEN DAMMIT!!" Haku screamed and threw a handful of senbon at Sasuke, knocking him out.

"Sasuke!" Naruto rushed over to his side. Sasuke seemed to be dead. "All this… over a flashback!" his voice deepened into a growl. "I hate flashbacks, I HATE FLASHBACKS!!" Red chakra exploded and swirled around Naruto. His feral traits came back to him (whiskers, claws etc). Kisame took this opportunity to escape. Naruto slammed his fist into one of the mirrors. "DAMN FLASHBACK!"

"NOOOOO!!" Haku cried as the mirrors collapsed on him.

"I'm free!" Naruto shot his arms up into the air.

"Naruto…tell your Hokage… his mission system sucks…" were Haku's last words.

**With Kakashi and Zabuza**

Both men were beaten up and tired. Kakashi had managed to gain the upper hand with his sharingan, using a copied jutsu that involved a sake bottle and Zabuza's head. Their battle was interrupted by an obnoxious voice.

"My, my, Zabuza. You sure look beaten up,"

Standing before them was Gatoh and Uchiha Itachi.

"I've decided to hand your pay over to Itachi-chan here" Gatoh said.

"I'm a man," Itachi said, causing Gatoh to go pale.

"Screw you!!" Zabuza growled as he charged at Gatoh. Itachi appeared between them, his sharingan activated.

"Tsukuyomi!"

Zabuza found himself tied to a post in a funny world where the sky was pink and yellow. Itachi and Gatoh appeared before him. Itachi smirked, "for seventy-two hours you will endure the most annoying torture possible for you." With that, Gatoh walked up and proceeded to paint on Zabuza's face… and he couldn't do anything about it!

"He he, isn't this fun, Zabuza-chan?" Gatoh giggled annoyingly.

"Eaaarrghh!" Zabuza hopelessly tried to escape. Several more Gatoh clones formed, painting on Zabuza's bare chest. More and more Gatohs appeared, skipping around Zabuza giggling and throwing confetti around. That was only the start of Zabuza's three-day adventure… "NOOOOOO!!"

In the real world, Zabuza fainted after three seconds. His body was pale and quivering. "No… no more games Gatoh-hime… please…" he muttered unconsciously.

"Now hand over the old man!" Gatoh ordered

"And Naruto," Itachi added.

"I've got him!" Came Kisame's voice. He had Naruto kicking and screaming in a headlock.

**Meanwhile**

A certain useless kunoichi spotted her crush, who looked like a pincushion. "SASUKE-KUUUUN!" she screamed. Sakura ran up and tried to shake Sasuke awake. "NO! Why couldn't it have been Naruto!?"

"I heard that!" came Naruto's voice.

"Sasuke-kun…" she sobbed. But her scrunched up face suddenly changed to a mischevious smirk. "Well, Sasuke-kun's unable to move… I might as well take advantage of this…"

**Back to Kakashi**

Itachi blushed as he stole glances at Sakura and his younger brother.

"Kakashi-sensei help meeee!" squealed Naruto.

Kakashi dashed towards Naruto and Kisame, only to be intercepted by Itachi.

"Tsukuyomi!"

Kakashi found himself in a daycare center, tied up and sitting on a squishy beanbag. Itachi sat cross-legged in front of him. He took out a large and thick book.

"Now, Kakashi-kun, why don't I read you a few stories?" Itachi smirked. He opened the book, labeled; 'KakaxIru Fanfiction Collection', and started reading.

"NOOOOOO!!" Kakashi screamed for the next seventy-two hours.

Back in reality, Kakashi fell to the ground, thinking a last thought before he lost consciousness; _'Sakura, it's all up to you now…yeah, we're pretty much screwed'._

A large number of footsteps were heard. Gatoh looked up from Kakashi's limp body and saw a large group of armed villagers. Leading them was Inari; who was sitting in a wheelchair in a full body cast, a drip and oxygen mask attached to him.

"RAAARR! We're revolting!!" a random villager growled.

"umh imph!" came Inari's agreement, muffled by his bandaged face.

Itachi started to sweat. "YAAAAA!" Itachi screamed "Random civilians with gardening equipment!! Drop Naruto and run!" He poofed away, Kisame dived over the side of the bridge. This left Gatoh standing there.

"Eh heh, funny story about this bridge…" he chuckled nervously.

"RAAARRGH!" the angry villagers charged at him, stampeding over Inari and whacking Gatoh with their pans, brooms, rakes etc. "I got his wallet!" a kid screamed.

**Back to our young heroes**

"He's waking up!'' Naruto beamed as he shoved Sakura out of the way.

"Unnghh…" Sasuke opened his eyes and saw Naruto. Naruto's hair and clothes were messed up from the battle. Sasuke looked down and noticed that he was completely naked. "Wait a minute…" he muttered "I'm naked… Naruto's messed up…my ass hurts…I was asleep…did he???" Sasuke fainted, fearing his suspicions were true.

"Yay! More playtime!" Sakura squealed as she jumped on Sasuke.

**The next morning**

Tazuna and Tsunami stood at the bridge, fare welling the ninjas that saved their village. "Once again, thanks for saving our village and beating some sense into my son," Tsunami said, running up and straddling Naruto.

'_I think we beat more than sense into him'_ Kakashi thought.

"Anyway, here comes our train," Sakura said. A large steam train stopped in front of them, the doors opened. Team 7 walked in.

"See ya darlings!" Kakashi blew their hosts a kiss as the door closed.

Team 7 walked up to their seats and sat down. Naruto looked around. He noticed: Temari reading a newspaper, Diedara eating train food through his hands, and Orochimaru kicking the seat in front of him, which angered Chiyo who was sitting in that seat.

The train suddenly halted.

"Aw,crap" came the conductors voice. "Inari just got caught in the engine."

_**A/N: Plz review. Tell me what you like, and more importantly what you dislike about this story, also, tell me what match-ups you want for the third chuunin test, since I'll be changing them. For obvious reasons, I can't put in everyone's requests, but I'll take them into account.**_


	5. Sasuke vs Lee

Uchiha Sasuke, Uzumaki Naruto and Haruno Sakura were used to waiting.

Their sensei, being chronically late, trained their waiting skills.

They were used to waiting…

…But this was fucking ridiculous!

They had waited on their meeting bridge for several hours for their sensei. Those hours quickly turned into days and nights. So here they were.

Sasuke was sleeping in his tent, Naruto was starting a fire and Sakura was looking for bugs to eat. None of them had showered or shaved in days (Sakura had a HUGE moustache right now), and they looked and smelled like crap. There was suddenly a poof and Kakashi appeared before them.

"Yo," he said casually.

If his team had any energy left, they would have yelled at him.

"Anyway, in a couple of days the chuunin exams will take place. I've enlisted you all. Naruto, I expect you to fail coz I betted against you-"

"Hey that's unfair!" Sasuke stuck up for his friend.

"Sasuke, I expect you to pass, I betted on you,"

"Well it's only fair…" Sasuke muttered.

**Chapter 5- Sasuke vs. Lee**

Sasuke had gone off in a random direction. Naruto and Sakura were walking when Konohamaru stopped them.

"Hey boss!" he chirped, lighting one of Asuma's cigarettes "Is this your girlfriend?"

Suddenly Hinata appeared out of nowhere and bitch-slapped Sakura. "Naruto-kun's mine! Leave him alone you whore!" She shrieked.

Sakura got up and slapped Hinata with a glove "I challenge you to a duel! Whoever wins gets Naruto!"

"I thought you didn't like me!" said Naruto.

"I don't, but you'd make a nice slave," Sakura replied.

"And I'd make you a…special type of slave," Hinata said seductively. She turned back to Sakura "I accept your challenge!"

With that said, Hinata and Sakura glared at each other then walked off in separate directions.

"Heh heh, bitch fight," Came a voice

"Yeah I'll say…" Naruto said, turning around to see where the voice came from.

A funny looking guy stood before him. He wore a black jumpsuit and headgear, his face was painted and he carried a big bandaged up package on his back.

"Hey, who's the guy with the fucked up face," Konohamaru asked, puffing on his cig.

"You brat!" Kankuro growled, grabbing Konohamaru by the collar and punching him on the face – several times.

"GO KONOHAMARU FIGHT BACK!!" Naruto cheered, waving his arms around.

"AAAACK!" Konohamaru cried as he felt a couple of teeth falling out.

Temari appeared next to Naruto. "Hey aren't you gonna help the kid?" she asked

"Nah, they're just playing around," Naruto said as he watched Kankuro throw Konohamaru on the ground and stomp on him. "Right Konohamaru?"

"HELP MEEE!!" Konohamaru squealed as Kankuro's foot crushed his nose.

"Kankuro, stop!" came a cold voice.

"Gaara?" Kankuro kicked Konohamaru aside.

"HEY WHO ARE YOU!" growled Sasuke who appeared on a random tree. He examined Gaara's plain expression… black eye liner… dark clothing… _'Crap, he could be even more emo than me'._

Gaara and his team started to walk off. "I am Sabaku no Gaara," Gaara said. "And you?"

"Uchiha Sasuke," Sasuke replied. Gaara's team turned around.

"Hey don't you wanna know my name?" Naruto whined

"Oh, we already know you," Temari smiled

"Really?!" Naruto asked, filling up with pride. He was famous…

"Yeah, your Uzumaki Naruto; the guy everyone in Suna is betting against in the chuunin exams"

Naruto started crying on Sasuke's shoulder, who patted his back sympathetically.

**Two days later**

Naruto & co. walked through a gym in the ninja academy, heading toward the chuunin exam.

"Hey you! FIGHT ME!!" said a boy in green spandex that suddenly blocked them.

"Who? Me?" Naruto asked.

"Hey! Aren't you that guy that Gai-sensei betted all his money against? And no, not you," he pointed at Sasuke. "Him!"

"Eh? Why?" Sasuke asked

"Hmph! You stole my technique and used it on Gai-sensei's rival, I swore I'd get my revenge on you!"

"Don't Sasuke-kun!" Sakura moaned, "His outfit's scary!"

"Huh? What's so scary about it?" Lee asked as he pulled on a tight patch of spandex around his ass.

"Let's begin!" Sasuke challenged. Lee suddenly disappeared, appearing behind Sasuke. _'He's fast!' _Lee quickly grabbed the rim of Sasuke's shorts and pulled them up, giving him a wedgie. "Aaargh!" Sasuke cried in pain _'he's strong'_. Sasuke then pushed his foot against Lee's chin and leaned his hand on the ground so he was upside down. Reaching his free hand out, he pulled on the spandex in front of Lee's crotch, released it and…

SNAP!

"Ungh…" Lee groaned as he clutched his testicles and felt his knees wobble. Sasuke used this moment to retreat a few paces. Lee quickly recovered and grabbed Sasuke, but 'Sasuke' poofed into a log. _'What!' _The real Sasuke appeared behind Lee. Sasuke then sucked on his finger and shoved it into Lee's ear. "Gah!" Lee fell on his hands and needs.

"Wet Willie no jutsu," Sasuke said.

Lee slowly stood up, gasping and clutching his wounds. "I'll admit, you're pretty strong," he said. "I'll show you my new combo!" he sped towards Sasuke, shot his hand forward and pinched his nipple.

'Eeek!" Sasuke squealed.

"Not done yet…" Lee said bringing his hand back. "Hey WHAT'S THAT!" he yelled, pointing at Sasuke's shirt.

"Where?!" Sasuke looked down, only to be flicked on the nose by Lee, sending up in the air.

"Gotcha!" Lee smirked as he jumped up after Sasuke.

"LEEEE!" boomed a voice.

"Gai-sensei?" Lee cancelled his attack and landed on the ground. Sasuke landed headfirst on Kakuzu who was walking past. Lee walked up to Gai.

"Lee… you FOOL!!" Gai punched Lee on the on the face, throwing him to the ground. "Lee, you're not cool…"

"Not cool?" Lee sniffled

"Not just uncool, you're… UNYOUTHFUL!"

"NOOOOO!!" Lee sobbed uncontrollably, hugging his knees and hiccupping.

"Gee wasn't that a little harsh?" Naruto asked, watching Lee roll around in his own tears and bang his fists on the ground.

"You're right," Gai said. "I'M SORRY LEEEE!" Gai ran up and hugged the crying boy.

"Ewww…" Naruto groaned as he heard the squeaking of spandex against spandex.

**At the exam **

The classroom was full of ninjas from all sorts of villages; Sasuke curiously located the strong looking ones while Sakura looked for hot ones. _'That guy has a nice ass'_ the slut noted to herself.

"Hey bitches!" came the obnoxious voice of Yamanaka Ino, followed by her teammates. She suddenly jumped on Sasuke "It's been a while honey," she shoved Sasuke's head between her breasts. Sakura was fuming.

"I finally found you guys!" came yet another obnoxious voice, belonging to Kiba. Hinata jumped on Naruto.

"Don't forget our duel," Sakura spat.

"umph ekgh," Hinata tried to reply but her tongue was stuck down Naruto's throat.

"I like bugs." Shino stated.

"Really, I like chips!'' Chouji replied.

"I feel that this conversation is going nowhere," Shikamaru said.

"Hey you guys, keep it down!" whispered a silver haired boy wearing glasses. Everyone looked at him. "And get out of that guy's pants!" he directed at Hinata.

"Who are you?" Sasuke asked, finding the guy suspicious.

"I am Yakushi Kabuto, I'm a spy/bitch of an evil man named Orochimaru. I'm acting as a leaf nin to gain info on you so Orochimaru can plant his seal on you,"

"Oh okay," Sasuke smiled, all his suspicions erased.

POOF

A scarred up man called Ibiki appeared before the would-be chuunins. "ALRIGHT BITCHES GET DOWN AND GIMME THIRTY!" He cracked a whip and smacked a bunch of random genins. Everyone did thirty push-ups. "Okay, for your first test you're teams will be taking-"

POOF

Ibiki was interrupted by the Hokage poofing in.

"Sorry for the interruption, but there's been a change in plan," Sarutobi said. "I've thought up a brilliant new way to run the chuunin exams,"

'_This can't be good' _Ibiki thought, dreading what came next.

_**A/N: Plz review. Also, tell me what you want to see more or less of in this fic. Remember to suggest match-ups for the third test.**_

_**Thanks to my reviewers so far; Lilly-kun, unknowndragon, Avoocado, MingShun, and OngakuSakura**_


	6. Chuunin exams begin

"Sabaku no Gaara, yeah?" a cloaked blond man pondered.

"Stop saying 'yeah', it's really annoying," a short but large cloaked figure demanded. The two men were actually waiting around a dark corridor of the Konoha ninja academy.

"Yeah… I guess it is, sorry… yeah-UGH!" Diedara was suddenly strangled by Sasori's tail.

"The only thing more annoying than you saying 'yeah' is fanfiction with you saying it every sentence," Sasori dropped Diedara to the ground coughing and spluttering.

"Bah! Talk to the hand!" Diedara stuck his right hand towards Sasori and surprisingly; it talked. _"Yeah baby! Yeeeaaah!"_ His hand-mouth growled in a retarded squeaky voice (kind of like Gamakichi's.) Diedara then stuck his left hand out _**"Hell yeeeaah!"**_Lefty growled in a deep sinister sounding voice.

"DIEDARA!!" Sasori furiously swiped his tail at Diedara, who was dashing off.

"_Run awaaay! Yeah!" _Righty screamed in his Gamakichi-like voice.

**Chapter Six- Chuunin exams begin**

"So what is this 'brilliant' new idea Hokage-sama?" Ibiki asked

"Well you see, instead of taking the exam in your normal three-man cells, everybody from every village will be randomly mixed up into three-man teams," Sarutobi said, smiling proudly at his new idea.

"Why?" a random voice asked.

"To test loyalty," Sarutobi started. "A chuunin should be so loyal to his village, that he's willing to abandon it and his comrades for the sake of his own ambitions, and that of enemy villages."

Ibiki and all the examiners took a step back from Sarutobi, pretending not to know him.

"That makes no fucking sense!"

"It's even worse than your mission system!"

"My mom died coz you sent academy students to save her from Akatsuki!"

"What kind of Hokage are you?!" the insults kept roaring.

Sarutobi smiled to himself _'Sarutobi you still got it old boy,' _he thought to himself, ducking under the storms of rubbish being thrown at him.

**An hour later- After team placing.**

"You have ten minutes for introductions!" Sarutobi announced.

**Naruto**

Naruto found himself on an odd looking team. One was an extremely ugly grass kunoichi that resembled a snake, the other was Rock Lee.

"Well… hi. I'm Uzumaki Naruto, I like Ramen and Sakura-chan. I dislike Sasuke and I want to be Hokage so I can make a new mission system."

"YOSH! I am Rock Lee the beautiful green beast of Konoha! I am youthful and I like shopping for spandex outfits! They make me feel like I'm wearing nothing!" he started posing to emphasise his point.

"I am Orochimaru. Like many villains, I don't have a last name. While I'm in a disturbingly unattractive female body, I'm actually a man. My purpose here is to put a curse seal on a certain boy," Orochimaru licked his lips. "I declare myself the leader. If you get in my way, I'll kill you,"

**Sasuke**

Sasuke examined his two female team-mates, who were also examining him (very closely), and clearly wanted to be a different type of 'mate' with him.

"My name is Kin! I think I like you Sasuke-kun!" the sound kunoichi squealed. The other kunoichi glared at her.

"My name is Rock Leila! I suppose you've met my older – but still youthful – brother Lee!" Squealed the thick-browed leaf kunoichi. She was wearing pink spandex that tightened around her… girl features. "I want to share my youthful passion with you Sasuke-kun!" she did the nice-'girl' pose and her tooth glistened.

Sasuke promptly felt sick.

**Gaara**

Gaara found himself teamed up with a retarded-looking bare-foot rock-nin wearing scruffy overalls, a messy straw hat and a banjo on his back. He had several teeth missing, and his existing teeth stuck out. The other team-mate was a mime from the hidden mist. He wore a typical mime's black and white striped clothing. Together, his team-mates were…

…plain annoying.

"Hi! I'm Billy!" the rock-nin exclaimed, pointing at himself with his thumb and grinning. The mime started touching an imaginary wall around Billy, making him chuckle stupidly. "Hyuk hyuk!"

'_**Kill them… KILL THEM! KILL THEM!'**_ Shukaku screamed in Gaara's head. Gaara held his head and cried out.

"Introductions over!" Ibiki announced.

"Ibiki, you wont be needed anymore," Sarutobi said.

"Why not?"

"I've arranged a new examiner… come in Kakuzu!" Kakuzu poofed in.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Ibiki exclaimed "He's part of Akatsuki Hokage-sama!"

"I know!" Sarutobi beamed proudly "can you believe I managed to hire him? I'm brilliant!" Ibiki ran away and cried in the janitor's closet for two weeks. Sarutobi poofed away.

"Everyone take your seats for the first test!" Kakuzu called out. The students panicked and rushed to their seats, several genins even being trampled on and crushed to death.

"Now for your first test-"

"Kakuzu-sensei there are cables dribbling from your nose!" A genin called out. Kakuzu pinched one nostril and sucked the black threads back up his nose.

"Now as I was saying the first test will be a written paper," several more cables creeped out of Kakuzu's back. Naruto watched intently. "You will-"

"RAMEN!" Naruto yelled as he jumped on Kakuzu's back and chewed on the cables (like noodles).

"ARGH! Stop it bastard!" Kakuzu growled in pain

"FOOD!" Chouji growled, jumped on Kakuzu and bit into his arm.

"YEEAARGH!" Kakuzu yelled as Naruto and Chouji continued to eat him.

**Ten minutes later**

Kakuzu's arm was detached and torn cables were hanging off him. However, he, Naruto and Chouji had come to the mutual agreement that he was _not _made of ramen - _or_ barbequed meat however the hell Chouji came up with that. Kakuzu sighed "anyway, this test will have ten questions; answer them, don't cheat. If you're caught cheating I'll eat your heart," he licked his lips "BEGIN!!"

The rapid sound of pencil on paper was… not heard.

Half the genins were already drooling in confusion having exceeded their attention span.

Naruto looked at the first question, _Question 1-History; Name the boy that the Fourth Hokage sealed the Kyuubi into 12 years ago. _Naruto scratched his head _'how the hell am I supposed to know that?!'_

Sasuke skipped question 1 and read question 2. _Question 2; Name the missing-nin that massacred the Uchiha clan. _Sasuke's head shot up _'that's easy! It's my brother!... what was his name again? Izumo…Iruka…Iwashi…I GOT IT!' _He wrote his answer down confidently. _Hoshigaki Kisame._

_Question 6; in a paragraph, describe the menstrual cycle. _Sakura immediately started writing _'this is easy! I do it all the time!'_

_Question 4; what advantage did Sunagakure have in the Second Great Shinobi War? _Hyuuga Neji wrote his answer down; _Fate had already determined that they would win. _Next to him, Lee was answering the same question; _they were more passionate and had tighter jumpsuits!_

Tenten looked at her paper when she suddenly realised; _'I can't read!'_

Kiba leaned back and relaxed while Akamaru answered all the questions.

_Question 3; What is chakra? _Gaara was perplexed _'how should I know? Shukaku does everything for me' _A stream of sand trickled out of Gaara's gourd and formed the shape of a hand. It picked up the pencil and started writing the answers.Gaara smirked and leaned back.

**Back to Naruto**

Naruto could only answer… none of the questions. That was if he was lucky.

"Umm… Naruto-kun?"

Naruto turned around and noticed Hinata sitting next to him. "AAAA! DON'T RAPE ME!" Naruto screamed, causing everyone in the classroom to turn towards him, Kakuzu had a nose bleed. "Eh heh heh…sorry," Naruto scratched his head nervously.

"Umm… Naruto-kun I'm not gonna rape you," Hinata whispered

"HALLELUJA!" Naruto cheered, causing the class to turn to him again.

"Naruto-kun…" Hinata whispered "I was just gonna say you could… um… copy my paper… if you want,"

"WOW THANKS HINATA!" Naruto hugged Hinata. He then put leaned his head directly in front of Hinata's face and giggled as he copied answers. Luckily Kakuzu was applying his make-up so he didn't notice.

**Twenty minutes later**

"Number 20, you fail, YOUR HEART IS MINE!!" Kakuzu shot his cables into a random genin's chest and pulled out his heart. He dangled the heart over his mouth "yum yum," he dropped it in and swallowed it.

"Eeeeeew!" the class groaned- except for Chouji whose stomach was rumbling.

"Kakuzu-sensei could I have one? I'm hungry…" Chouji asked.

"Sure thing," Kakuzu pulled out another random genin's heart and passed it to Chouji.

"ALRIGHT!" Chouji shoved the heart in his mouth and chomped on it.

**Another ten minutes later**

"Time's up! Hand in your papers!" Kakuzu ordered. The genins handed Kakuzu the stack of their papers. "They'll be marked right now, please wait…"

**An hour later**

"Well…" Kakuzu sighed. "Only two of you passed, the rest failed, you guys suck," the class groaned at the news. "Luckily, I've decided that the top fifteen scorers - i.e. those that managed to score one point – and their teams will be passed," the class cheered at this.

**Afterwards**

Kakuzu left. So the remaining genins chatted amongst themselves.

"Man… I can't believe I failed," Naruto groaned

"Me neither…" Lee groaned.

"Well luckily we have this Orochimaru guy on our team, right?" Naruto held his hand up to Orochimaru for a high-5, who shot his tongue out and returned it.

**Sasuke**

Kin jumped on Sasuke "Sasuke-kun! I'm the only one that scored a point! Will you go out with me?!" she squealed. Sasuke was still wondering how he failed…

CRASH

A slutty looking woman jumped through the window. She was covered in glass shards sticking into her. "I am Mitarashi Anko, I will be your next examiner…follow me!" she jumped back out the window

Naruto groaned _'not another psychotic'_


	7. The forest of death

Anko smirked at the crowd of second-rate ninjas. "Soon, you'll see why we call it 'the forest of death'".

"Hah! You don't scare me!" Naruto called out, causing Anko to smirk wider. She pounced on him and started feeling him up while attacking him with her tongue. After ten minutes of this, Naruto was pale and twitching, while everyone else in the area pissed themselves (except Orochimaru and Kabuto, who simply grinned and blushed)

"Not scary am I?" Anko teased. "Maybe later I can show you my M-rated NaruAnko fanfiction collection."

Naruto screamed

It seemed that Anko learned a lot more than ninjutsu from the snake-sannin. _'I'm so proud!' _Orochimaru sniffled and wiped a tear from his eye.

**Chapter 7- The forest of death**

**Naruto's team**

Orochimaru quickly realised that his plans would be that much harder with his current team. That is, if he didn't kill them first.

"I LOVE RAAAMEEEEN…

More than I LOVE SAKURA-CHAAAAAN!!

I LOVE RAAAMEN!

More THAN I LOVE HINATA-CHAAAAAAAAAN!!"

"SING WITH YOUTH NARUTO-KUN!!"

Orochimaru struggled to drown out Naruto's obnoxious singing and Lee's loud cheering, but that proved harder than fighting the Third Hokage.

"If Sasuke-teme STEALS MY RAAAMEEEN!!

I'LL KILL HIIIIIM!

BECAUSE I LOVE RAAAMEN!

More than I love KAKASHI-SENSEEEI!!"

Lee clapped his hands furiously, "Such a passionate voice!" he sobbed happily, wiping tears from his eyes. In his extreme frustration, Orochimaru tore his face off, revealing his original face.

"Hey what's up with that?" Naruto (who had finished his song) asked suspiciously.

"Ummm… Hey ramen!" Orochimaru pointed at a tree.

"Where! WHERE!" Naruto looked around. Orochimaru switched back to his stolen face while Naruto wasn't looking.

"Ummm I guess it ran away," Orochimaru said and Naruto fell for it. "Listen up Naruto-kun; we're looking for your team-mate Sasuke-kun,"

"Why him?" Naruto asked.

"Err…" Orochimaru thought of an excuse "He has ramen-"Naruto suddenly grabbed Orochimaru's hand and sped off, dragging him through the bushes (most of which had thorns).

**Sasuke**

For Sasuke, running through a forest with two mad fangirls ogling him was frustrating.

"Sasuke-kuuuunnn!" Both girls squealed simultaneously. "Hey what's that?" Leila asked, looking through the dense bush.

WHOOSH

A strong blast of wind blew them into the trees. "Ugh…Who's there?!" Sasuke growled. Naruto and Lee appeared on a tree, with a grass-nin that Sasuke didn't recognise. "NARUTO! How dare you betray me! I thought we were friends!" Sasuke started sobbing.

"It's your fault for hiding the ramen!" Naruto retorted.

'_What the hell is he talking about' _Sasuke thought. "Naruto! I thought we were brothers-"

"Save that speech for the Sasuke retrieval arc!" Orochimaru snapped "It's more climactic," he took out his team's heaven scroll, swirled his tongue around it… and ate it. "This will be a fight to the death,"

"YOU BASTARD YOU ATE OUR SCROLL!" Naruto cried.

Orochimaru rolled up his sleeve, revealing a seal. POOF. A giant snake appeared under Orochimaru. "Now, let's see if you're a worthy ho for me…" the snake charged at Sasuke.

Meanwhile, Naruto searched Sasuke's backpack for the ramen. "Damn, all he has is this useless scroll," he chucked it aside.

Lee stood in front of Sasuke's team-mates; Leila and Kin. "Leila! MY YOUTHFUL SISTER!"

"LEE MY YOUTHFUL BROTHER!" They ran up and hugged, crying for no apparent reason.

**Back to the fight**

Orochimaru tried to bite into Sasuke's neck but missed, instead biting his ass. "ARRRGGH!" Sasuke howled as the curse mark appeared on his right butt cheek.

'_Uh oh, that wasn't supposed to happen,'_ Orochimaru jumped towards Sasuke and bit him again; this time on the neck. Sasuke held his neck and groaned in pain then fainted.

"What did you do to him!?" Naruto asked.

"I gave him a parting gift, that seal on his bum… err on his neck will give him power, he'll seek me for more… ku ku ku!" Orochimaru disappeared in a purple flame.

"Hey he ate our scroll then ditched us! That snake-bastard!" Naruto yelled

"How un-youthful! We can't pass without a full team!" Lee replied.

"Hey I know! Let's join Gaara's team; he's probably already killed his team-mates by now,"

"Good idea!" And so, Naruto and Lee departed to find Gaara, leaving Leila and Kin to tend to Sasuke.

**Gaara**

Gaara leaned against the tree and folded his arms, having obtained the two necessary scrolls. He took note of his team-mates. Billy the Hobo was strumming his banjo while the mime pulled an invisible weight around, he hadn't said a thing since Gaara met him; he was even quieter than Gaara!

Billy the Hobo started strumming a lousy tune and singing stupidly. The mime felt up an invisible box around Gaara. _**'Kill them!' **_Shukaku howled. Gaara's eye twitched as the mime dressed him up in invisible women's clothing. _**'KILL THEM!'**_ Billy's started dancing while his singing got louder and the mime was putting invisible make up on Gaara. Billy called and motioned for Gaara to join in the song. _**'KIIIILLLL THEEEMMMMM!!"**_

Sand erupted from Gaara's gourd and engulfed his team-mates. "SABAKU SOUSOU!" Gaara growled, causing the sand to crush Billy and the mime.

"Hyuk hyuk," Billy laughed just before he blew up and splattered everywhere.

Gaara sighed in relief. _**'DUMBASS! We're gonna fail now!"**_ Shukaku scolded. _**'Nice job anyway…'**_

Just then Naruto and Lee appeared before Gaara. "Hah! Just as I thought! He killed his team-mates," Naruto smiled triumphantly. "Gaara! We both need a full team, so you can join us!"

"Fine," Gaara said. "I already have both scrolls, follow me in silence or I'll kill you,"

So Gaara and co. sped towards the tower. On the way Naruto noticed Kiba stuck in a tree, Shino crawling around an ant colony, and even Tenten giving Temari a lap dance (and a nose bleed).

**Sakura (booooring)**

Sakura happened to be teamed up with Neji and Kankuro. Not only that, it was also Sakura's time of the month; causing Neji and Kankuro considerable stress.

"My wimpy little feet hurt! Let's stop… why aren't you guys hot like Sasuke-kun, WHY?!" Sakura bitched. "You're so useless! I'm used to being carried around anyway…"

Kankuro was extremely pissed. "Look, you PMSing bitch, I don't care-"

SLAP

Kankuro was thrown face-first onto the ground by Sakura's slap. Meanwhile Neji was cowering in fear.

'_Why must fate be so cruel as to make that time of the month today?'_

"Hmph," Sakura grunted. "Now that my frenzy of enhanced PMSing power is over, I'm going back to being useless,"

**At the tower**

"Yeah! We made it!" Naruto and Lee cried as they pulled Gaara into a group hug, causing him to blush (from anger _and_ embarrassment). Gaara's sand pried them off forcefully as he retreated to the other side of the room.

"Don't hug me!" he yelled. "I only love myself!" he started hugging himself as if to prove his point.

"Geez, who put sand in his pants," Naruto mumbled.

**At the end of the test**

Naruto looked around at all the teams assembled before the hokage. They were:

Sasuke (who was rubbing his sore ass), Leila and Kin

Sakura (WTF She passed?!), Kankuro and Neji

Shino, Temari and Kiba

Hinata, Dosu and Shikamaru

Ino, Tenten and Kabuto

Choji, Zaku and an OC.

Sarutobi cleared his throat. "Congratulations on passing the second test. Now for the third test, we'll be having a preliminary round," everyone groaned. "Originally, we were gonna have a big game of Simon Says, but that idea got rejected by the other kages," the genins groaned again. "So we'll be having one-on-one duels," he took a breath. "Now before we start, does anyone know the real reason for the chuunin exams?"

"So we can become chuunins?"

"Exactly," Sarutobi replied. "Hayate-san here will run the test,"

"Thank-you Hokage-sama," Hayate said, "ACHOOO!" he coughed mucus all over Sarutobi's face. "eh sorry… ACHOOOOO!" he coughed more boogers all over the genins.

"I'm outta here…" Kabuto said before walking off.

"Anyways, the screen here will decide the first match," Hayate said. The screen started flashing before displaying two names.

Upon seeing them, the hall roared with laughter.

Sakura vs. Gaara

_**A/N: I had a big writers block this chapter, please inform me if it sucks. Also, does anyone else agree that the first chapter lets the story down? coz I reckon it sucks. Be honest.**_


End file.
